Where it began... or begins...

So if you are reading this you are either bored, browsing through random blogs, or you are here for a reason.
I decided that it was best to write it all down under a blog where no one can find me, or link it back to the who behind this. To you I am just another person writing something on the internet to alleviate some sort of inner pain with out being misunderstood.

At the grand old age of 21 I thought this darkened piece of history would have by now disappeared into a deep dark crater never to darken my doors again. I couldn't have been more wrong. Since the age of 12 I have been shadowed by this dark cloud that likes to prevent me from enjoying simple parts of my life.

I'm not even sure if I know the definitive meaning of normal, and what a normal teenagers/young adults life should be like.
I don't drink, I don't particularly enjoy going out - I find crowds and strange people all a little much. I am sort of lost in the atmosphere of this big spinning world not quite sure where to put my feet down.

I have tonnes of support, friends and family a like - even if I don't want to accept their kind words, even if they do drive me to the point of distraction with their idea of the simplicity of life. If only they knew it wasn't just a case of pull your bootstraps up and find something you enjoy.

Im sort of stuck half way between logical thinking and complete irrational thinking. Planning a great escape to the middle of nowhere to camp in a tent and get some real meaning of life - and being showered and ready for bed by 7.30pm

So I have my doctors appointment sat ready and waiting for me on Monday morning to confess the deep dark depth of my mind and how for the last 9 years I have continued to play the systems of I am absolutely fine, its all gone, I am no longer hurting myself, I don't need to see the counselor any more.

So here it begins - the road to recovery - complete recovery for myself, not for everyone else!! Wish me luck - I think its going to be a little bit bumpy.

To follow why and how this person called me became this 21 year old fuzz ball of nothing ness!