The big P word....

Okay so I did it. I visited my doctor and told her the truth - the small essential missing bits of vital information that I had held for nearly ten years just to myself. And she said im going to refer you to the adult mental health team, to be assessed by a Psychiatrist. The word sends shivers down my spine. It's drummed into you growing up that any one with a psychiatric disorder is crazy. I'm paranoid about being crazy. My rational thoughts are suddenly being scrutinised by myself just in case they may have a hint of loonacy etched into them somewhere.

I keep thinking I might wake up and it will all have been a really shitty dream, and I'm gunna wake up and just go to school back to year 7 and start a scratch. I wish. Oh the things I would do different, but as they say. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I'm sure one day I will look back and laugh at this slither of my life, but for now it's real as fuck. I'm scared as shit and ready to hike.

I was brave; after half hour in the waiting room shaking like a leaf, waggling my leg around (my trait that everyone seems to hate) and continually clenching my sweaty hands together - my name was called. I went in opened my gob and just talked for what seemed like forever.  Coming up for air I realised the GP had her head in her hands and asked me why I hadn't said anything sooner, it was at that point I think she realised how seriously it had affected me, the little 13 year old me that was still buried deep inside of me. "I didn't realise it was wrong" apparently that's what a lot of 'victims' say. I don't class myself as a victim - what happened happened, but I know realise it's affected me a lot worse than I first anticipated.

And now I have to go and repeat my whole story to another stranger, who is probably going to be assessing my every movement, the way I pronounce my words, the way I skirt around the edges of certain words, make hints but don't actually say them out loud, I know my flaws, I've known them for a while just been playing games in my head that I'm absolutely fine. And I am 100% absolutely deffinately not fine.

So step 1 of the road to recovery complete, here's to step two....